What Would REALLY Happen If Girl Slapped Murtagh
by not magical me
Summary: Have you ever noticed that Murtagh always seems to get slapped by the many daughters of Galbatorix, and then actually lets them GET AWAY WITH IT? My take on what would really happen if a Sue smacked him.
1. Chapter 1

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Not Magical Me is in no way responsible if after reading this fic you fall to the ground and start twitching under the basis that, well, even if I might have put this up on the web,  
YOU were the one who read it.

Emily Rose Jessica was a servant in the castle of Galbatorix. She was lovey, with stunning clear blue eyes that changed in the light. They also changed color with her mood.  
If she was angry, they were red, if she was sad, they turned a dark blue, if she was in love, they turned pink, yada, yada, yada.  
Anyway, let's just assume that she was beautiful as well, even though her eyes randomly changed color.  
Her beautiful red hair cascaded down to her shoulders in gentle waves. Her high cheekbones (here's a thought, have you ever seen anyone with LOW cheekbones?) accented her perfectly perfect face in every possible freaking way, and she was, to put it bluntly, and because I'm tired of coating every word in honey, curvy.  
Emily Rose Jessica was also the long lost daughter of Galbatorix, (Which will come as a complete shock to him, I'm sure...) who had abused her as a child so her nursemaid had sent her to Earth, and had died in the attempt. She had lived there until she was elevan, and then come back to Alagaesia. Now she was working in the kitchens to get close enough to her father so that when the right time came, she could kill him.  
One day, she went for a walk in the woods, despite the facts that she was in Uru'baen and there are no woods around the Empires' capital, and that she worked for Galbatorix, who probably didn't allow days off. She was lost in "thought" and so didn't notice the pink and purple stone until she'd tripped over it. "Lyk wut teh hecskis??/!!1!" she exclaimed, rubbing her ankle. She picked it up and stared at it.  
She didn't notice the dark haired young man staring at her in disbelief until he snapped, "Who are you?" She jumped and looked at him with soulful eyes, only to be met with the tip of an arrow digging into her cheek and a deeply suspicious look from the man.  
"Woh r u?" she asked. He stared at her, he wasn't completely sure whether or not she had just said something obscene. "I'm the one with the weapon, I ask the questions." He scowled at her.  
Her eyes began to turn from blue to the lightest shade of pink.  
The arrow dug deeper into her flesh when she didn't say anything.  
He thought she was being stubborn, and to be honest her color changing eyes were a bit creepy, but what she was actually doing was admiring his "Lyk, totl hottnesss!1!1! dan hes gto lyk, teh ctutest lyk, eys to!!11" (Ouch. You have no idea how much it hurt me to type that)  
"lyk, i dn''t haf too tel u niethng." she spat, slapping him and attempting to shove him away.  
He went still with disbelief. He couldn't believe that this girl had just layed a hand on him. Did she have no sense of self-preservation? Did she think he was going to drop to his knees and ask her to marry him?  
His disbelief quickly gave way to anger. The audacity of this woman!  
He decided that he didn't want to do this with his bow. He put the arrow back in the quiver, and put down his bow, straightening just in time to see her features become a smug expression.  
He drew his sword and advanced on her grimly. She clasped her hands to her impossibly huge chest and began to simper at him. He didn't bother to listen to the words, but he caught a couple phrases, for example, "lyk, nto, lyk, of tish wrld" and "glabtorics lng lyk, lsot lyk,dahter.  
He froze in horror. "Oh for the love of... Not one of YOU people!" He shouted. He ran at her, swinging his sword wildly.  
She began to look confused. "lyk, marty" she began.  
And then, with her mouth still open, she died on the end of his sword. He shoved her off it and quickly chopped off her head before she could disappear in a puff of smoke. He held it up by the beautiful red hair, now soaked with blood, then watched as the rest of her body went up in a sparkly puff of purple, pink, blue, orange, green, rainbow, yellow, and above all PINK, smoke. Then he picked up the false "dragon's egg" and tapped it gently with a fingernail.  
It shattered.  
He shrugged and went to find his horse.  
Galbatorix was enraged with the random forests and the randomer daughters trying to seduce his servants, namely Murtagh.  
He had promised a reward for every head of these strange people brought to him. 


	2. What Was Wrong With This Fic

**What was wrong with this fanfic!**

1. Well, duh. The whole thing was bogus.

2. I hate how some of these girls have names like Cassandra or Hannah or Elizabeth. I mean, HONESTLY, people, at least try to think up a name that sounds Algeasian. For pity's sake.

3. Have you ever noticed that girls slap Murtagh right and left, and he doesn't totally kill them for it?

4. And all these multicolored dragon eggs?

5. Man, if Galbatorix has as many daughters as some people think, well, I wonder what his wife/lover/concubine must have been like...

6. There are never any SONS of Galbatorix either. The guy must be like Henry VIII (the 8th, for all you people who can't read roman numerals... He was the one who had all those daughters, for all you historically challenged people out there...)

7. What's with all these random forests appearing out of nowhere near the Empire's glorious capital city? There are no forests near it, I ought to know, I checked the map.

8. She referred to him as "marty", on the basis that his name is quite frankly easy to mistype.

9. I'm sure there are more things wrong with it, but I'm too lazy to look at my writing again to pick it all out.


End file.
